State Convention 2007
Talk by Michaelene Grassli

HOME, A REFUGE
American Mothers Incorporated Utah State Convention
Back to Basics—Making the Most of Motherhood
Michaelene Grassli 2006 Mother of the Year
March 17, 2007
 
I’ve been thinking about you.  I have thought about you in your homes--in your kitchens, and in your children’s bedrooms, and at your desks balancing the checkbook.   I have thought about you helping with homework, making phone calls, wiping noses, and cleaning up Froot Loops.  I’ve thought of you awake in the night with a new baby.  Can you relate to any of that?  I’ve thought of you living out of your cars—racing from school, to soccer, to church, to music lessons, some of you to your additional career, and all of you—at some time or other--to the doctor.  Does any of that describe you?  Well, if it does, I’ve been thinking about you! 

During this past year, I’ve met many of you.  I’ve seen your smiles, I’ve seen your tears, and I’ve seen your fears.  I have seen your hope.  I’ve seen your commitment to your families and I’ve seen your sincere desire to be good moms.  What I have seen of you is magnificent!   Because you are doing it.   You are hanging in there!  Some days are not so easy, but at the very least you are putting one foot in front of the other every day and not giving up.  You do it one moment, one step, one act, one smile, one caress at a time. (How many single mothers present? Have them stand and give applause.  We know some days you hold on with sheer grit.  Way to be a woman!)

Will everyone please stand up?  For all of you I would love to give you roses and  breakfast in bed.  You deserve it.  But, since I can’t, I’ll give you this little reward.  Reach your hands out in front of you like this.  Move those fingers--give them lots of exercise.  Now while they are moving turn to your right and put your fingers on the shoulders of your neighbor and give her shoulders a good rub.  Then turn around to the left and give her shoulders a goodrub.  Doesn’t that feel good?  You deserve it.  Do you feel that connection?  Now you can say you connected with someone today!

I have felt a real connection to you.  Mothers make up probably the largest human force for good in the world today--and that’s us!  We are it!  This is your day!  The deceptively little things you do make a recognizably big difference.
I think that means mothers can change the world! 

Aldana Laita said it this way:  (Pick up hula hoop and hold it with my face in the middle.) “The greatest gift we can give to the world is creating a continuous, uninterrupted, loving family structure.” 

This is my message today.  I want to talk to you about how you can create a continuous, uninterrupted, loving family circle.  (Run hands around circle) You can continue what has been, or create anew.  You can strengthen what exists, or you can build a new foundation.  You can carry on a family tradition of loving continuity, or you can form an original, first loving link in a chain that will grow forward into generations to come.   You can do this because you want to.  I know you want to because you are here.  You can do this because you are capable.  You can do this because God has made you a mother.  Not just a mother, but the mother for your particular children, with their particular personalities, physical characteristics, intelligence,--and problems.  If God made you their mother, then God is there to hold your hand and lead you along and help you create their refuge.  And in the process, you become the person you and God want you to be.

Mothers, I want you to know you have the power within you to create a continuous, uninterrupted, loving family circle, a refuge, a place of love and safety.  
(Put down hula hoop) 

Think about what you want for your family.  Emphasis on the word think!  Your mind is a powerful tool for getting what you want for your family.  What you think about is what you will get.  We become and we produce what we think about.  If you think you can be patient, then you can.  If you hear yourself in your mind criticizing your children or yelling at them, that’s what you will do.  If you think you can get out of bed to fix breakfast, you can. 

If negative thoughts are what you grew up with, it is especially hard to get rid of them.  But you can change negative thoughts.  One way is to replace negative thoughts with positive thoughts.  Think of yourself as patient and serene.  Think of yourself getting up to fix breakfast. Visualize yourself connecting with that troubled child.  Imagine yourself kind and loving.  Think of yourself getting enough rest.  Most of all, think of yourself as courageous and powerful.   By courageous and powerful I do not mean loud, harsh, or demanding.  Like what I saw printed on a pink T-shirt:  “I have PMS and I’ve got a gun.”  That is not a powerful woman—that is a dangerous woman. 

No, the confident, kind, loving, thoughtful, understanding mother exerts the greatest power, like the fable about the sun and the wind.  You know the story.  The sun and the wind argued about who was stronger.  To prove he was strongest, the wind tried to blow a man’s coat off, but the more the wind blew, the more tightly the man wrapped his coat around him.  Then the sun shed his gentle warmth on the man and he removed his coat.  Gentle warmth is more powerful than the strongest tempest.  You have that kind of courage and power within you.  I know that because God made you a mother, and mothers need courage and power.

So replace negative thoughts.  People do this in different ways.  When I was a little girl and couldn’t go to sleep, my mother told me to think happy thoughts, so I thought of sunny summer days.  Those thoughts made me feel good, and I could settle down and sleep.  Religious leaders have suggested humming or singing a hymn as a way of replacing negative thoughts.  In our family we play hymns and classical music on Sunday.  When our children were in school, I woke them up in the morning by playing soft music, and gradually increasing the volume.  I thought that gave them a positive start to the day.

I saw how one mother replaced negative thoughts.  In her home she posted many positive and inspiring quotations.  They were everywhere—on the walls, on the mirrors, on the refrigerator, on the doors, on the beds, on the washer, on the cupboards.  Where ever she looked she saw positive thoughts and ideas.  She was filling her mind, and the minds of her family members, with positive and inspiring thoughts.

Humor is another way to replace negative thoughts.  It can recharge personal batteries and dispel tense situations. Laugh as much as you can. It will help everybody live longer! One family I know asks family members as they are sitting around the dinner table every night, “What was the funniest thing that happened to you today?”  Some of their experiences have become family inside jokes.  You know, when you just have to look at each other and say one word and everybody rolls on the floor laughing.

Singing happy songs can absolutely change the mood of your heart and your home.  You don’t even have to be a singer.  Try it.  You just can’t stay mad or sad if you sing a happy tune.  I mean really, literally.  It is impossible.  Sing with me. (Sing a little bit of—You Are My Sunshine? If time tell about what that song did for me).  It made me smile again.
Yes, your mind is a powerful tool and you can keep positive thoughts.

A famous author, Dr. Norman Vincent Peale, a few years ago called this the power of positive thinking.  He wrote a book about it.  Some call it the “as if” theory--you act “as if” you have the quality you want and that quality becomes part of you.   Some call it the power of attraction—you attract what you think about.  Negative thoughts attract more negative thoughts and these negative thoughts attract bad things to your life.  But positive thoughts attract more positive thoughts and good things follow.  Some call it visualization—you visualize, or see in your mind, the results you want, and because they are what your mind is constantly and energetically focused on, your actions naturally follow, to do what is needed to get them. 

Now, I have lived long enough to know there are times for some people when depression will respond only to professional medical care.  I sincerely hope that if you find yourself in this condition, that you will get the medical help you need.  All the positive thinking in the world won’t touch it—at least not permanently.  But even clinical depression can be temporarily eased and brightened by the thoughts you put into your mind. 
Your thoughts and your actions are one.  Thoughts become words and words become actions.    

Ladies, I didn’t make these things up.  These ideas have been taught by many people over eons of time.  All are based on age-old basic truth.  In the Bible, Proverbs teaches, “As [a man] thinketh…so is he.”  Buddha taught, “All that we are is a result of what we have thought.”  Albert Einstein said, “Imagination is everything.  It is the preview of life’s coming attractions.”  Jesus Christ taught, “Ask in faith, believing, and ye shall receive.”  This is accepted truth. 

What the mind of a mother can imagine she can create.  Do you believe that?  Say it with me.  “What my mind can imagine, I can create.” Today I want to put the power of your mind into action and make a plan to create a refuge for your family.  We’re going to do that in three steps.  If you wish you may use the notebook in your packet to write these three steps on.

First, you’re going to think about and write what your refuge will look like.    I’m not talking about what you will do—we’ll talk about that in a minute.  Write what you will feel and see happening that will let you know your home is a refuge.

(Pick up hula hoop again)  While you are thinking, visualize this unbroken, continuous, loving family structure in the form of this circle that does not end.  Think about how protective this circle can be.  Think about being in here (point to space inside the circle) as a refuge from all the muck outside.  (Put down hula hoop.) 

Think about what you want your children to gain from living with you?   Think about what you want your children to remember about their childhood?  Do you want them to remember home as peaceful or a battleground?  Do you want them to look forward—at any age—to coming home or to dread it?  Do you want them to feel that they are loved and appreciated or that they are a pain and a bother to you?  I had a friend whose baby was nicknamed“Nuicey.”  I heard them call her this several times, when I asked about it and they told me it was short for nuisance!  I hoped that baby wouldn’t remember her nickname

So what do you want them to remember? 

Kurt remembered how it was when he was sixteen and his father died. “My mother made our home a refuge by maintaining the normal routine of the family.  We went on with family prayer, meals, chores, and holidays.  We didn’t ignore the fact that Dad was gone, but the routine was comforting and let us know that we would all survive.”

Marie described her refuge.  “I know now that our house was very modest.  But as a little girl I always thought the house looked pretty, smelled pretty, and even sounded pretty with the good music that was always playing.  Everything just felt safe, warm and welcoming.”   

So, step one is to think about what you want your refuge to look and feel like, and write it down.

Step two, think now about what you are doing to create that refuge. Write it down.  List all the things you and your husband are doing that are specifically designed to build this loving family structure.   Are they working?  Some do and some don’t.  Write them all down.  

Here are some questions to help you think that through: 

Are the words you are using, words that draw your family members close to you and to each other?  Kevin told me how sorry he felt for his friend, Drew.  He was at Drew’s house when Drew fell down the stairs.  Drew’s Dad said, “Be more careful.  If you would watch out, these things wouldn’t happen.”  Kevin felt sorry for him because his own

father would have said, “Are you okay?  Are you hurt?”

How about the tone of your voice?  Social scientists say there are three ingredients to making a connection with someone—eye contact, a smile, and touch.  Add to that a loving tone of voice and you have connected.

Are the family rules—spoken and unspoken--rules that produce the effects you want? 

Do you spend most of your time doing what is most important?

Are you so busy doing that you are not thinking about how everybody feels?  Example: Is getting ready for the birthday party fun for the birthday child?  Or is mother doing it all herself and trying so hard to make it spectacular that she’s cranky and rushed and ignoring the child?  As you plan your daughter’s wedding, are you butting heads and arguing and crying about colors and food and gown and cake?  Or is this last project together with your daughter before she is launched, a fun time of closeness and loving unity for the two of you?  

It’s about balance, isn’t it?  Everywhere I have gone this year I have been asked about balance.  “Michaelene, how do I find the balance between children and husband and church and volunteering and my own health and well-being?” 
All right, if I were you, what would I do?

If I were you, I would do just what is essential.  You have to decide what is essential for you.  For me,   

My health is essential.  I have to eat right, get enough sleep, and exercise in moderation.

 My husband is essential.  My relationship with him is essential.  To make our family a refuge, Dad and Mom are partners.  My relationship with him affects what my family refuge looks like.  Not only that, but the children grow up and leave home.  You and your husband will still be there.  You want to know each other well, and be able to settle in as a couple in a continuing, loving relationship.   Do what is necessary to enhance your relationship.  One thing, and this is only one, have your once-a-week date night with him no matter what, even if it’s just going for an ice cream cone.  Don’t talk about problems on your date.  Just have fun together. 

And of course the children are essential.  Children lend a sacredness to the essential work of loving, feeding, clothing, teaching, and listening.  If they want to be involved in sports and music lessons, one sport a season and one instrument for each child is plenty.   And do not do for them what they can do for themselves. When I say children are essential, I include the house they live in.  It needs to be in order, and the children can help.  To keep balanced in housekeeping I had a little sign in my kitchen that read, “My house is clean enough to be healthy, and dirty enough to be happy.”

What is essential? For me, church service is essential.   Other volunteering while you have children needs to be on the basis of your availability.  I volunteered at school one year for each child.  Not every year for all the children.  There are other parents.   

That’s what I would do if I were you—just the essentials.

“But Michaelene,” I hear you say, “it’s the essentials that need balance.”  What I say to that is this:  Avoid extremes and excesses in any of them.  In Daryl’s book (Daryl Hoole, The Ultimate Career, ISBN 1-933579-91-1), she writes that when you became a mother, you made a decision that requires sacrifice.  You made a decision that requires you to put excess and self-centeredness behind you. I agree with that.  And I believe it is not so important to do what you like, but to like doing what needs to be done.

 During my time in Primary we had a theme for our work.  It was a basis we used for making decisions.  We would ask ourselves this question:  “What is best for the children?” 

That question works for mothers.  “What is best for the children?”  It doesn’t mean you give up taking care of yourself and your marriage.  In fact, doing that would not be best for the children.  Rather it means this: consider the effect of an action or decision on the basis of how it will affect the children.  Sometimes these are hard decisions.  I discovered early in my motherhood that doing the right thing for children is usually the hardest.  It is hard to get up early in the morning.  It is hard to say no to a child and stick to it.  It is hard to smile when you don’t feel like it.  It is hard to interrupt what you are doing and listen. It is hard to get out of an abusive relationship. It is hard to give tough love.  It is hard to improve a not so good marriage.  That is what I am asking you to do—to make hard decisions.  What I want you to do is what is right, not what is easy.   And here’s a secret, the more you do what is right, the easier it becomes.

So, to keep balance, if I were you, I would do just the essentials.  Your health, husband, children, andchurch.  That’s plenty busy. Life is long. There is time. I have always wanted to paint.  I’ve waited and waited.  I’m sixty-six.  Now I’m painting.  I even started back to school last year to get the degree that was interrupted years ago.  And that’s only part of my plan for my later years. You need a plan for your later years.  It doesn’t all have to be done now.

There are a couple of other things to think about balance.  If I were you, I would apply the rule for keeping closets uncluttered to keeping your life uncluttered.  I was taught that when you buy a new dress or coat or slacks, or piece of furniture, you give one away.  I apply that rule to obligations.  If I take on a new task or project or responsibility, I give up an old one.  It works wonderfully well.  The only exception to this rule is, when you get a new baby, don’t give away an old one!

If I were you I would stop caring what other people think.  Why do we make decisions based on what other people think, anyway?  It’s a hard thing to learn.  But, no one else has your particular set of circumstances.  And in reality, the people across the street don’t care what you do.  I don’t say that to give you an excuse to let everything go.  That would not be responsible.  You are capable, and powerful, and you can make wise decisions without considering whether people outside your family will approve.

So, if I were you, those are some things I would do to keep balance as you consider what you are doing to make your home a refuge. 

What’s working and what’s not working?  Are you doing anything unintentionally that would detract from the feeling of refuge in your home?  List them all.  Give yourself credit for the good things you are doing that are working. Don’t mourn or grieve about what isn’t working.  We all have to deal with what isn’t working.  Every mother will have at least one child who makes at least one decision that isn’t good for him or her.  Sometimes they ruin their lives. Tragedies happen.  Even when parents do they best they k now, they can make mistakes.  Circumstances change. But you are a woman of power and competence who is learning and adapting and drawing positive forces to her family.  As you adapt and grow and establish a true refuge for your families, that refuge will draw your children home again.  
When you have made the list of what you are doing—those that work and those that don’t, number them.  Put a one by all the things that are working.  Put a two by all the things that are not working.

And that brings us to the third and final step.  Make a new plan and put it to work. This is an opportunity for you and your husband to think about how to change things so you can create this refuge for your family.  Make a new list of just the number ones.  Look at the number twos and decide what can be done to make them positive, or to eliminate them.  If there are things you do that impede the development of your loving family circle, quit it.  What isn’t working needs to be fixed or let go, and what is working needs to continue. We need to stop doing what doesn’t work.

Do you believe you have the power to do that?  I know you have that power because God made you a mother.  Of course it isn’t easy, but you are capable, powerful, and wise.  Believe you can do it.

Add to your plan new ideas you have had today, or that you will have in the days to come and put them to work.  Read books.  Take classes. And trust your instincts. Those instincts are given to you by God for the benefit of your children. Over time you and your husband will continue to evaluate and adapt the plan, but you will know where you are going.

Outside our bedroom window, which is on the second floor of our home, is a huge blue spruce tree.  We can look right into its middle branches.  One day several years ago, when I stepped out onto the balcony to shake out the bathroom throw rug, I noticed that a pair of robins were building a nest in the top of our spruce tree.  It was rather far out on the branch, and I thought to myself, “Oh! They’re making a mistake!”  The branches of the tree shake and shudder violently as the tree is buffeted by the sometimes fierce windstorms we have.  It appeared to me that the nest would not be very well protected from rain, either.  I said out loud, “Oh little robins, try another spot.  Your nest will be destroyed where you have it!”

Well, what did I know?  They didn’t listen to me. They continued building the nest, bringing dry grasses and mud, carefully tamping them in with their beaks, then sitting in the nest and turning their bodies to round and smooth the inside.  I thought they were finished several times, but they brought more grass and more mud and kept reinforcing and thickening the nest until I thought it was too heavy and would fall off the branch.  Three eggs appeared, and we watched the parents take turns patiently incubating the eggs for two weeks, and then cooperate in feeding the little chicks.   We saw the chicks grow until they no longer fit in the nest, but perched on the edge.  One day, when they were ready, the parents nudged the chicks out of the nest, first on to a nearby branch, then to another tree, calling, encouraging.  They squawked furiously if a magpie or cat came near.  The chicks ventured to the ground and took increasingly longer flights into the air.  Finally, the chicks could fly. 

The nest held up just fine.  In fact, it was so well attached to the tree, and so strong, that it was seven years before storms finally washed the remaining skeleton of the nest away.  Seven years! Think of it!

Our goal as mothers is to make our nest so strong that the storms of life will not destroy our family or our children.  We want our children to be protected and nurtured until they are strong enough to venture forth on their own.   Unlike the birds, however, our nest is not a house.  (Pick up hula hoop.)  It is a family.  What is beautiful, noble, courageous, and fine in your children will come from the refuge that is their family. (Put down hula hoop.)        

I want you to leave today, knowing that you are capable, powerful, and wise, that what your mind can imagine, you can create.  With your hand in the hand of God, you can create a continuous, uninterrupted, loving family circle, a refuge for your children where they can become beautiful, noble, courageous, and fine..