Michaelene’s Mothering Moments Archives

Michaelene can be reached at mpgrassli@aol.com.

1. Meet eyes to reach hearts.
Think about all the times you talk to your children while doing something else. This diminishes your relationship as well as weakening the effect of what you are saying. This week take time to stop and look into their eyes whenever they are talking to you or you are talking to them. It takes just a minute of your time and will strengthen your relationship regardless of the age. Bonus tip: It works with husbands, too!

2. Be soft with little ones.
Little children have tender hearts that are easily bruised by harsh voices or thoughtless words. They need to be able to feel emotionally safe from such bruising when they are with their parents. This week, pray to be sensitive to their feelings and to perceive their needs from their viewpoint, so your voice and your words will reflect your love and your sensitivity.

3. Love the sounds of play.
This week, as your children are playing, stop what you are doing and listen. Listen to the laughing and giggling. Listen to what they say when they don’t think you are listening. Appreciate their ability to run and jump and yell and imagine. There will come a time when you miss those happy sounds. (When the sounds are not so happy, encourage them to figure out for themselves how to play happily together, or else friends will have to go home, or siblings will play separately in their own rooms. This takes a load of Mom and helps them learn conflict resolution.)

4. Read something fun and beautiful together.
Summer is perfect for a quiet hour every afternoon or evening, when Mother reads a favorite children’s chapter book aloud to her children. This week, choose a book and begin. Most children up to age twelve (some beyond) will love this time and will remember it all their lives, especially if Mom changes her voice with the characters! We liked the classics. Some of our favorites were “Where the Red Fern Grows,” “A Little Princess”, “The Secret Garden”, “The Great Brain”, and the Ramona books. For shorter times, I also read Robert Louis Stevenson’s “A Child’s Garden of Verses.” I loved pointing out how a few words put together in a certain way can paint a picture you can see in your mind.

5. Play jacks, marbles, hide-and- seek, kick-the-can, jump rope, or four-square.
Don’t laugh! I know this sounds old-fashioned, but you do remember how, don’t you? Playing together helps your children know you better and gives you a chance to learn about them as they play. This week, start by teaching them a classic game of your childhood. The children need play options that aren’t technology-related. It will give them new skills, and they’ll have something to teach their friends.

6. Say please and thank you.
Respect generates respect. You want your children to be polite and respectful, so you need to show them what that means. This week stick a little reminder on your mirror that reads, “Please and thank you, every time!” You will be surprised at how much you can improve the mood in your home.

7. Protect Self Esteem
Children need to be corrected, but they don’t need every fault or mistake pointed out--especially not in the presence of others. This week, stop and think if indeed your child needs correction. If not, let it go. If so, either wait until later, or put your arm around her, take her out of hearing range, and speak quietly about the matter. Let her self esteem be safe with you, and you also will be fostering her trust in you.

8. Say “yes” a lot.
Sometimes we say “no” to children just because it is an inconvenience or bother to us. And that’s often necessary! However, “yes” can free a child for exploring, creating, developing his skills, building friendships, and learning about himself. This week try to say “yes” more unless it would be harmful to the child. You may need to give guidelines or review rules, but keep it positive. Your child will be delighted!

9. Give your child an alarm clock.
As you and your children prepare for the beginning of a new school year, think about the short and long term benefits of helping them be responsible for getting themselves out of bed in the morning. This week, ask them if they would like their very own alarm clocks, so Mom or Dad won’t hassle them about getting up. Let them pick their own. Then as reinforcement, play quiet but cheerful music about the time they should be waking up. We started the music very softly, and then gradually turned it up. The aromas of breakfast cooking added to the incentive and helped create a positive environment to start the day.

10. Say “when,” not “if.”
Put a positive slant on your relationship with your children by keeping your words positive. This week try saying “When you’ve cleaned your room (or finished practicing, or done the dishes) you can play (or go swimming, or draw, or get an ice cream cone…). “When” assumes a child will do it, while “if “ leaves a question. “When” gives the child the feeling that you think she is good – great for her self esteem!

11. Seek Divine Guidance
Sometimes we just don’t know what to do for our children to help them. Maybe we haven’t had the experience before. Maybe we’ve tried everything we know to do. I hope you have a great book on parenting to refer to. I hope you are in an AMI discussion group where you can share ideas with other mothers. You may not know what is in the heart of your child. But God does. This week pray specifically for your child and his or her problems, and notice feelings in your heart and thoughts in your mind that will give you ideas about what to do.

12. Don’t give children everything they want
Children need to learn to delay the gratification of their desires. They must not have to wait to receive love and support from their parents, but they need to learn how to wait for dinner, how to wait for Mom to get off the phone, and they need to learn to wait and work for what they want in the way of material things. That is helping them prepare for real life and helps with self discipline. This week when your child is hungry and the meal is an hour or less away, offer a drink of milk, but not treats, and tell him he has to wait. Talk to her about not interrupting you while you are on the phone. And when she asks for something material, suggest some ways she can earn the money for it.

13. Teach budgeting
I wish I’d known about this idea when we were rearing our children. Give the children an allowance, not based on behavior, but on his membership in the family. The amount needs to be based on your family resources and needs. Label four jars as follows in italics: 50%--Long term savings (to put in the bank for college or mission), 25%--Short term savings (for an item they want to buy), 15%--Quick cash (for the ice cream man or movie with a friend) It teaches discipline and delay of gratification and eliminates the constant hitting on Mom or Dad for spending money. One eight-year-old boy thanked his parents profusely when they initiated this plan in their family. He loved the trust his parents were placing in him and the control it gave him over his “finances.” This week start the plan with your family, and let me know how it works.

14. Give yourself the gift of sleep
Of course the children need enough sleep. Studies show that grade schoolers need 8-9 hours, and teenagers need 9-11 hours. That’s a given. With adequate sleep they are happier, easier to get along with, and they do better in school. But you need your sleep, too! For the same reasons, except your school is your daily work. Your body and your spirit need regeneration every day in order to maximize your energy, your problem-solving ability, and your patience. This week make a plan to get more sleep, Mom! Believe me, you will thank me!

15. Help your child feel like a good person.
Social scientists tell us that one of the elements of self esteem in a child is feeling that others think he or she is good. Shallow flattery doesn’t do it, because a child sees through that. Sincere appreciation for specific qualities and behavior does, unless you are criticizing her all the rest of the time. Parents can actively recognize kind acts, unselfishness, trying hard, helpfulness, honesty, self-control, generosity, and other positive characteristics in their child. To help the child internalize the feelings, say, “I noticed that you...” and “Don’t you feel good about….?” more than “You are such a good boy.” Such parents are nurturing self-esteem that can help balance out all the negative feedback that a child receives from others. This week start a list to post in each child’s room that identifies good qualities about the child that you notice from time to time. Keep it up. You’ll find the children waiting to see what you’ll write next.(And eliminate the criticism. No good ever comes from criticism. Just bite your tongue!)

16. Play hide and seek. Hide in crazy places.
Playfulness helps break routine and generates creativity and leadership in children, as well as an appreciation for the many dimensions of a parent’s personality. Don’t be childish, because your child needs you to be the parent, but have fun. Under the table and in a closet are fine places to hide, but how about helping a child hide on a top shelf, or in a drawer! Try it this week. Be creative, and be safe!

17. Finger paint with chocolate pudding.
This week’s mothering tip is easy and fun. Before you fill the bath with water, give your child a plastic bowl of chocolate pudding and let him see what pictures he can make with his hands inside the tub and on the tile. And he can eat it along the way! Then he can squirt it off the wall and tub with the shower head before you fill the tub. (You might want to put a few towels on the floor!)

18. Simplify--give something up
This one’s for you! Are you always on the run? Unclutter your house and your life, so you will be able to devote more quality time to your husband, your children, and yourself. My rule is, “If you take on a new responsibility or activity or possession, give up an old one.” It keeps the closets and your family’s life uncluttered. It takes courage in this generation of frenzy, but it helps the quality of your family life. I’m no good to anybody if I have more to do than I can get done. This week figure out what you can eliminate on a permanent basis that can give you some space in your life. (I don’t recommend giving up the Lord’s work. I need His help, so I want to help Him!)

19. Ask children for their opinion
Helping Mom make a decision is a marvelous booster for a child of any age. Try it this week. Make sure when you ask that you give her options you can live with, so you can accept her choice. “Which of these two earrings shall I wear?” “Shall we have hamburgers or soup for supper?” “Shall we store the Legos in this closet or that one?” Your child will feel that you value her and it will help her feel confident about her opinions and choices.

20. Be specific about what you expect.
A young child can’t read your mind, and he doesn’t have the experience to always make the correct assumptions. What you intend as positive may sound negative to him. So this week try saying, “Honey, hang up your backpack,” instead of “Why is that backpack on the floor?” Say, “Get in the car now,” instead of “We are going to be late if you don’t hurry!”

21. Re-discover Board Games.
We’re back to standard time, the nights come early, and families are inside. Take advantage of the opportunity to be together and enhance relationships within your family by pulling out a board game sometime this week. You’ll have to make time, because none of us have empty hours we’re trying to fill! But you will find it is worth it. Set aside everything else for just a few minutes and relish seeing your family playing, laughing, and having fun together.

22. Elevate your family’s musical tastes.
How about instituting a tradition of only classical and sacred music on Sundays? In our family Sunday is the best day of the week, when we think our best thoughts, wear our best clothes, have our best food, and try to display our best manners. In addition we listen to the best music we can find—classical and sacred. Sunday is a great time to expose children to uplifting music, although of course, good music doesn’t have to be limited to Sunday. It worked for us…we hear good music in the homes our grandchildren are growing up in!

23. Lie on the bed together for quiet talks in the dark.
Bedtime seems to be a time when a child will relax and open his or her heart. Mostly listen, and you may learn things you might not have known otherwise. At the very least it will give you and your child a few moments of close confidentiality. Try it this week with at least one child. Next week another child can have a turn. To encourage conversation, try responses such as, “So you’re saying that….” or, “You must have felt…” or “So what did you think about that?”

24. Establish an atmosphere of warmth and peace.
This is a big one! Of course every minute can’t be happy, happy. That’s unrealistic. But elements like colors, lighting, music, aromas, schedules, tone of voice, noise level, hunger, fatigue, or even the physical temperature of your house, all have a bearing on the general tone of your home and the mood of your family. If you want your home to be a refuge for your family, this week think of the elements in your home that contribute or detract from that goal. You don’t have to go on a crusade! Just be aware of those elements; keeping them in mind, you and your family can manage or massage them to achieve a warmer, more peaceful atmosphere in your home.

25. Simplify, simplify!
Christmas…warm, wonderful, and busy. I’ve simplified a lot over the years. A tree, our nativity collection, a lighted garland on the fence, and a swag on the front door made of greens from our yard. Some years I even take a sabbatical from Christmas cards. Old fashioned? Yes. Simple? Yes. Works for me. I feel so peaceful! I think the object of our celebration would approve. Could it work for you and your family? This week, pat yourself on the back if there’s a decoration you haven’t put out yet. Have the children noticed? Then leave it put away!

26. Teach sales resistance and independent thinking.
How do you combat the constant barrage of commercials for toys of all kinds? I wonder if what we did in our family would work today. I told the children that Santa has lots better ideas than the television ads do, and that if they saw it on T.V. it wouldn’t be under the tree on Christmas morning. Leonard and I felt this would help them develop sales resistance and independent thinking, as well as taking pressure off Mom and Dad. If you do this, I’d like to know how it works for you.

27. Santa or no Santa?
Here’s a story from my childhood (forgive me!) that I can tell here, because likely your children won’t be reading it. I was four. According to my mother, I asked her if there was a Santa Claus. She gave me a nice little speech about the spirit of Christmas, and giving as a way of celebrating the birth of Jesus. Puzzled, I said, “Mama, I’m going to ask you again, and this time I want you to answer yes or no. Is there a Santa Claus?” Because she had made a vow always to tell her children the truth, she answered,” No, Honey, there isn’t.” I responded, “Oh.” And I went on my merry way, pretending for the rest of my life that there is a Santa, and it didn’t spoil the magic one bit. At age six, I even visited Santa in the department store and called to him as I was leaving, “Don’t forget to come down the chimney!” Apparently, a child can handle truth better than we think sometimes.

28. Write it down
For a class I’m taking, I had to make a family chronology of my “family of origin” or the family in which I was a child. I was surprised at how quickly it came together, and now we have the skeleton of our family history. I have just begun one for the family of Leonard and Michaelene Grassli. January is a good time to do one for your own little family without very much effort. It could be updated every January. A chronology is just a brief record of major dates and events. A separate history will fill in the details. Ours begins as follows:

March 27, 1930—Leonhard Graessli is born in Grabs, St. Gallen, Switzerland. His family will move to Basel., Switzerland in 1932, and he will be reared in Basel.

June 19, 1940—Susan Michaelene Packer is born in Salt Lake City, Utah. After moves to Denver, Colorado; Seattle Washington; Greensboro, North Carolina; back to Seattle, and to Idaho Falls, Idaho; they will settle in 1949 in Blackfoot, Idaho.

June 4, 1950—Leonard graduates as a landscape architect from Ecole de Hort in Geneva, Switzerland.

March 5, 1953—Leonard is baptized a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day-Saints.

August 21, 1957—Leonard immigrates to Utah.

May 25, 1958—Michaelene graduates from Blackfoot, High School.

29. Help your teenager feel like a good person.
Our teenagers can be lots of fun. But moms worry about teenagers being good. And well we should. They have so much to distract them from being good. But their ability to be good is directly related to their feeling like a good person. How can a mom help a teenager feel like a good person? What you actually speak to them counts a lot, so tell them they are loved and appreciated and point out the good things they do. That’s the easy part. And when you have to correct them, do it in a way that still makes them feel like a good person. That’s a little harder. To say “you always…” or “you never….” or “why did you do this dumb thing?” or “you’re driving me crazy,” makes her feel, “yeah, I’m awful.”

This week, try just stating unemotionally what needs to be done, “You need to put your shoes by the door,” or “you are past curfew, so no date this week,” or, as you turn off the TV, “you need to do your homework first.” This way she can walk away feeling respected and okay about herself—and capable of doing what you ask. Also, she is less likely to argue. If she does, calmly repeat your statement of what needs to be done, give her a hug, and leave it at that.

30. Treat Your Teenagers with Compassion
Young people today are under pressure to perform well in school, fulfill church callings or requests, know who they are, look good, resist temptations, be popular or good athletes or both, know what they want from life, decide what they will do to earn a living in the future, get accepted to college, get rid of zits, pay the insurance premium on the car, feed the cat, clean their room, get along with their family members, wear their retainer, and keep their music turned down (Well, I guess with ipods you don’t really hear it anymore, huh?). Life is serious business, and they will be under pressure as adults, so they might as well learn now how to cope with it, right? Right. But, remember they are barely more than children. They are just learning how to do it all. This week, as a Mom, can you cut them some slack? That’s not to say you can allow them to let things slide. Just be compassionate and understanding and remember that not making your bed is not a mortal sin. And if the experts in human development say teenagers need nine to eleven hours of sleep a day, don’t hassle them if they nap after school, and can’t they sleep in on Saturday morning to catch up, for heaven’s sake?

31. Have “Family Standards,” not “Rules”
I prefer to think about the processes of order in a family as being family standards rather than rules. I think it is more positive. To me, rules are “don’ts” and standards are “dos.” If there is a rule, it can be, and will be, broken. It is sort of expected. And often rules are counterproductive, because they generate conflict. Then parents and kids are constantly at odds. But a standard can be an expectation of good behavior that everyone in the family—yes, even parents—adheres to. It is an attitude of respecting each other. We all try to be kind to each other. We all think about how we behave affects others in the family. We all try to be tidy and prompt. We all are honest. We all let the family know if we will be home late. Standards are one way to help children feel like good people, because parents are assuming they can be, and expecting them to be good. That says a lot to a teenager. This week talk to your teenagers about family standards, rather than rules.

32. To Ground or Not to Ground
I’ll come right out and say it. I don’t believe in grounding. My husband and I didn’t ever ground one of our children. That’s not to say I don’t believe in children of all ages receiving the consequences of not adhering to family standards. It’s just that the word “grounded” sounds negative to me and often gets applied to every infraction. It is one of those things that makes a child feel like he is not a good person. Also, their friends know they’ve been grounded, so you have not protected their privacy. This week, instead of grounding, try to let the punishment fit the crime. If the dishes aren’t done, they have to be done before the date. If he yells at Mom, he goes to his room and writes why it is not good to yell at Mom. If the grade is really bad, Mom or Dad goes to school with him and together they talk to the teacher about how the grade can be improved. (I wish I had done that better!) If he accidentally puts his foot through the violin because it wasn’t put away properly, he earns the money to pay for a new one. (We actually had a grandson do this!) If you take “grounded” out of your vocabulary, let me know.